It's Not So Bad, Being Dead Like Me.

One more hour left of Halloween. When I was a kid I loved my birthday, but I think most kids do.

Got back around 9pm after having dinner with my friends. The time change is screwing with us. Phuong's birthday present to me was a sack full of groceries-- ice cream, soup, rice-a-roni, etc. She said "I was trying to think-- what does she need....what does she need? And then I though, *duh* she needs food 'cuz she's always sick." We were supposed to get Japanese food, but most of us were too poor to do that. So instead, we went to some place called something like "Sweet Tomato". It wasn't bad. While we were there my side started to hurt again. I just tried to hold as still as possible.

Phuong treated me because it was my birthday. There were tons of little kids there, for some reason. Hello? Why aren't you guys out getting candy? All those kids were making so much noise that, even though they were clear across the restaurant we could hear tehir shrieks. Being a Vietnamese speaker herself, Phuong recognised their language.

"Jesus, that must be the battle cry of the Viet Cong!" Phuong said as she craned her neck about, trying to get a good look at the hell raisers.

We all started cracking up at that. "I feel like yelling at them like my Grandpa used to! He was sooo scary! He'd yell at us in Vietnamese 'Shut up, you little Satans!'" Then she said in Vietnamese too, at which point, Adrian proclaimed it to be the scariest sounding Vietnamese phrase he'e ever heard.

We got back to our meals and were talking about Tony and Lara (hand to god I didn't bring those two up.) See, Tony owes Phuong $64 for the baseball game on Sept. 14, and he owes me $10 from when we all saw "The Village." As we were talking this older lady walked by and quitely said something to me, and I quietly thanked her.

Adrian asked me what she said because he hadnt heard. "Oh, she said that she liked my costume." Lisa, Phuong, and Adrian busted out laughing. Adrian actually almost squirted his soda through his nose. Phuong was laughing so hard that she was almost crying. "I can catch her if you want me to, man! I got your back. She's moving pretty slow..." Adrian managed to get out between laughs.

See, this time of year is always tricky. There are always all these well meaning people who tell me that they like my costume, which is sweet. Yet in actuality, this is just the way I dress all the time. For example, on Tuesday, this middle aged African American lady stopped me on my way to Ancient Near East studies and told me that she loved my costume and then asked "What are you supposed to be?" When presented with situations like these, I have two general responses. The first is to thanks the person for the compliment on my "costume" and walk on. The second is to say "Ohhh..... this is just how I dress, like, all the time." The second response tends to fluster people and then they start apologising or whatever. I chose response #2 for the lady who stopped me at school. She stopped walking, looked at me quizzically and said "But... you hair... it's pink!" To which I responded that I'd had it this color since October 2002 (for the Rock Steady Tour, if you must know.) After that she just said "Well, you look very nice, dear" and walked away in the other direction.

After we left the restaurant, Phuong drove me home. Adrian and Lisa had been to some big party on Saturday night, and were still worn out. Lisa was hung over, but Adrian was just tired. He can't drink for along time anyway because he hurt his liver or something. Phuong had gone on a quasi- date with her crush of 2 years on Santa Cruz last night. So while everyone was out having a blast on Saturday night, I was home. Odd girl out. Anyway, on my birthday I was home by 9pm, give or take.

I can't help but feel like a younger, punkier version of Bridget Jones. Maybe I just should have stayed home anyway, not gone out at all, and just cried into my vanilla vodka (a little tiny bottle like the kind they used to give out on airplanes-- except I paid $2.75 for this at Beverages & More up in Oakland.) I wanted to go the anti social route. But, I have been far too much like Ada Monroe in "Cold Mountain" lately.

"Her thoughts had been broody and morbid and excessively retrospective for so long that she welcomed the chance to run counter to that flow, to cast forward and think about the future, even though she expected to see nothing but water at the bottom of that well." ("Cold Mountain" by Charles Frazier, p. 48.)

Let's see. Broody? check. Morbid? check. Excessively retrospective? check. In the immortal words of Nelly Furtado "It's not that my glass is empty/ I just need another cup."

And yet, I guess I just haven't given up quite yet. Even though fate and change keep slapping me in the face, maybe I, like Ada want to run counter to that flow. Maybe I just prefer to hide my hopefullness under my cloak of doom and gloom. Maybe it's just a reaction to being alone for so much of the day-- day after day.

I don't know.

"She could read such books and a day later not know what they had been about. When she had read more notable books, the harsh fates of their heroines only served to deepen her gloom. For a time, every book she plucked from the shelves frightened her, their contents all concerning mistakes made by wretched dark- haired women so that they ended their days punished, exiled, and alien." (Frazier, p. 35.)

Alien? check. Exiled? sort of. Punished? Let's hope not.

Happy Halloween, Tragic Tuyen

What will it take?

My birthday is coming up. I'm a Halloween baby. I've been secretly dreading this particular birthday because of one reason-- my ex-boyfriend. In the five and a half years that we were together, I never got a birthday card, Christmas card, or Valentine's card.

What did I find in my mail box today? Eight months after I broke up with him?? I didn't open it, but I assume it was a birthday card. Here's the kicker-- it was taped to some old card I sent him back in 2000. Probably some twisted attempt to get me back. But I've been free of him for too long to go back now. Besides, why would I?

What will it take for him to leave me alone? How much longer do I have to worry everytime I hear a loud noise outside, or hear the door bell ring? How many more abusive/ suicidal e-mails will I have to get from him before he gets it?!? Christ, it's been 8 months!!!

I wasn't allowed to hang out with my own friends outside of school for the whole time I was with him. When I made really good friends, (such as Phuong and Lisa) after we broke up, I used to joke with them. Well, sort of. I used to say that if anything ever happened to me, if I ever just disappeared, that they should tell the police it was my ex-boyfriend. The sad thing was that I actually meant it.

<3 tragic tuyen

Napoleon and Bronislaw will have their revenge!

SOMETIMES
No Doubt(T. Dumont, G. Stefani, E. Stefani, T. Kanal)
No Doubt (1992)

Sometimes sunshine
Does not want to shine on me
And sometimes I find myself blind
At first I cannot see and then I see it's me
I chose a road when I was young
In search of fun temptations won
And all my soul I did surrender
If I had a chance to back now
Would I redeem my moral vows
Or would I repeat for my own laughter

Sometimes I hide somewhat
Like a bulb behind a shade
And sometimes I ask myself why
Is it cause the lights are too bright
Or because my eyes are closed too tight

Sometimes I find myself blind
Don't use my brain don't use my mind
Distorted feelings always leading my way
But I must forgive myself
And let the past lay down to rest
And be prepared to face myself in another day

From now on I will behave
But in the back of my mind I will be enslaved

I was just thinking to myself how exhasting it is to go to all my classes-- and then I realised that I actually missed Study of Religion on Monday morning. I did make it to Ancient Near East class though, where I finally turned in my thesis and bibliography a week late. Monday night I re-pinked my hair and added teeny tiny little purple highlights in the blonde highlights. Also I frantically studied for my two map midterms on Tuesday morning. The only way I could come up with to study them was to actually trace them and add all the cities and empires with colored pencils.

When Tuesday morning came I felt the weight of impending academic doom. I crawled out from under my covers and peered out the window. It was a downpour outside and it still looked like night time. The sun was hiding behind the massive black rain clouds. Wearing thermals under my red and black bondage pants, long sleeves, a sweater, and my green jacket with the faux fur lining around the hood which makes me look like a pink haired eskimo. To brighten up the dark morning, I also pinned in a tangerine colored flower in my hair amongst the blonde sections. (It doesn't look as tacky as it sounds! I *promise*!) I couldn't find my zebra print umbrella or my red plaid umbrella. So I had to take a plain old black one. Hmf. I opened the front door and was greeted by an icy wind. Sincerely doubting that both of my midterms would be called on account of stormy weather, I patted my dog on the head and yanked the front door closed against the winter. When I got to school, the downpour had turned into a monsoon. The cold rain was assaulting me from every direction. By the time I got to class, I was soaked from the knee down. I did see one other girl worse off than me though. She was wearing.... get ready, shorts and flip flops and a short sleeve shirt. Damn, what weather report did she see?

There were 10 maps we had to know, and 4 would be on the test. The 4 which were on the test for World History 1A: The Empires of Southwest Asia and North East Africa (1570- 1250 B.C.E.), Ashoka's Empire in India (250 B.C.E.), Persian/ Peloponessian Wars (480- 479 B.C.E.), and Classical Shang China (1800- 1025 B.C.E.) The One that was most difficult for me was the Persian/ Peloponessian Wars maps. The other three were actually pretty easy. On the Empires map, though, I was frantically trying to remember which river was the Euphrates and which was the Tigris. I changed my answers back and forth twice but I think I got it right. The Tigris is farther East, is what I remembered, so here's hoping.

In World History 1B the map selection was as follows: Spanish and Portuguese Conquest in the New World (1492- 1550), Reformation Europe, Asian Empires (1300- 1700), and The Empire of Napoleon in Europe (1812). I breezed through the first three easily enough.

But, wait just a sec! Napoleon! Sh*t! I was completely dumbfounded. Thankfully, it wasn't just a fill in the blank kind of map. There was a bank of geographical terms to choose from. That sinking feeling slowly returned. I used to get it all the time in Organic Chem and Inorganic Chem (the two classes which are responsible for me not having a 3.5 gpa.)

Sigh.

Waterloo? Austerlitz? Marengo? Freakin' Napoleon, man. Screwing wth people from beyond the grave. I'm pretty sure the only two I got right were the Illyrian Provinces and Trafalgar.

My Mom drove up from Hollister so that we could have lunch. We went to Hukilau in Japantown. It's a Hawaiian themed restaurant smack dab in the middle of the biggest concentration of Japanese restaurants in town. I ordered a fruit punch, spam musubu, and the hukilau chicken special. My mom and I shared the spam musubu. What that is-- I know it sounds strange but you've really gotta trust me and take a leap of faith here-- spam surrounded my steamed rice and held together by that seaweed paper stuff. It's like sushi-- but with spam in the middle. That's the closest my mother will ever come to eating sushi. I was pretty much full after the appetizer so I brought my chicken home. They give you so much food at Hukilau-- a bunch of marinated chicken, macaroni salad, two scoops of steamed rice, and noodles. See, lots! Anyway, I ended up bringing back almost all of my food. Maybe I'll have it tonight if I get hungry enough.

As we were leaving the restaurant, the rain stopped and the sun came out a little. But it was still hella windy. When we got back to my mom's car, I realised my brand new flower was gone. (Not a real flower, a fake one made from fabric but still quite pretty.) I back tracked three blocks, scouring the streets and side walks. All the trees on Jackson Street were losing their leaves because of the wind-- burnt orange leaves falling and swirling about around me. Almost all the way back to Hukilau I spooted my flower. It was in the gutter, sitting atop a pile of leaves and hadn't gotten muddy at all. I crossed the street rather suddenly, crouched behind the car and fetched my flower. Apparently, the driver of the car didn't know I was there because he started up and nearly reversed his car right over me.

Later on in the afternoon I had to make my way back to SJSU for my Africa before 1800 class. Since I've been sorta sick on and off I've missed quite a few classes. Walking down the hall of Dudley Morehead Hall I was gripped with the anxiety I hadn't had since I was a freshman, lo those many years ago. I stuck my pink head in class after class, looking for familiar faces. Finally I found my destination. Danh, mi amigo, informed me that we had a test next week and that we'd also got out first tests back. Africa class goes from 6pm to 8:45. We get our break around 7pm. Even though I told him he didn't need to, he ventured out into the rain to make me copied of his notes for the days that I'd missed. Dr. Kline gave me back my map quiz and my midterm. I got a perfect score on the map quiz. When I got back to my seat, though, I looked at my midterm. I'd earned a perfect score on the essay but missed a few on the multiple choice portion. I added up the two number and got... a 68?! Wait a minute, a D?

How could I get a D? History is supposed to be what I'm good at. I meekly folded my test and put it my back pack.

We had a documentary to watch during the second portion of class. Remember when I said that I wasn't going to bitch to my friends about feeling sick anymore? Well I've been holding to that. Telling Lisa and Danh that I'm perfectly fine-- just trying to get over a pesky cough. Well, during the movie I leaned back in my desk and felt that horrible *pop* on my left side. 'oh no.' When I moved one more time, trying to get comfy it happened again. So I decided that I just wouldn't move anymore during class. I was looking at my professor, pen in hand when it happened. Everything got really bright and my hands went numb, and I dropped my pen. This must be what people mean when they say "seeing stars." I felt really light headed- all I "saw" was whiteness. It didn't last very long and when it was over, I leaned over to grab my pen.

When I got home I recalculated my midterm grade and came up with 88. Relief! Somehow I'd misplaced 20 points in my first calculation. I can cope with a B+. Getting home at 8:45 pm makes it tough to get going on other projects/ papers. Nevertheless, I had to write a paper and speech about Bronislaw Malinowki. I'd gotten my library books on Sunday but they only had three of the six books they were supposed to have by Malinowski. The paper had to be anywhere from 6- 10 pages. Usually I'm one of those annoying people who will always have the maximum number of pages allowable for my paper. But this paper was very challenging for me to write.

I was already tired when I started my paper. But by 3am, I'd only written in Bibliography and four and a half pages of the body. There was no way I could keep going. Every sentence was an uphill struggle. I was sitting in this very same, slightly uncomfortable office chair pecking one key at a time. I was mispelling "the"! So I decided to call it quits. At 3:45 or so, I limped back to bed with my loyal dog trailing behind me. I set my alarm clock for 7am so I could finish my paper.

Wednesday morning came far too early. Imanaged to pound out some sort of conclusion for my last page of the paper and sped to school so as not to be late for my speech. Half way to class, I realised that I'd forgotten my umbrella. I contemplated going back for it, but then I'd be late for class and therefore my speech. Swearing under my breath, I walked to class and hoped that the dark gray sky wouldn't open up and drench me. With each inhalation the cold air hurt my nose and chest. By the time I get to the Business Building, my nose is running.

Usually when students have to do speeches, the teacher will talk to the class first. You know, warm up the audience so to speak. Not so with Prof. Jochim. He just handed the class over to me at 9am *sharp*. With my notes and three books in hand, I shakily walked to the front of the class. My speech was supposed to be 15 minutes-- at least. I had no idea how I was going to fill up so much time. But I managed to talk for at least 18 minutes. After mentioning "The Coral Gardens," "The Argonauts of the Western Pacific," and "The Father In Primitive Psychology," and writing certain names and key phrases on the whiteboard, I was done.

But then Prof. Jochim asked if there were any questions.

In the back row, this really smart ass student raised his hand. He's a talker. He's like that Dr. Benton character on "ER", except he's got slightly bigger hair. He started out by asking me "Define the holistic approach in regards to Malinowski's thesis......" and then he kept talking. And talking. I couldn't even keep up with what he was asking me.

As I stood there, in front of 20 people who I barely knew, time seemed to slow down. I knew, somewhere in my mind, that this moment couldn't last forever. He couldn't keep talking forever, at some point he would have to stop to breathe. I was standing below the metal attachement for the projection screen. Watching his mouth move, forming ever more complicated questions, I began to pray for it to fall and hit me on the head. I mean, accidents happen all the time right? Surely this is a great time for such a thing to happen. 'Fall, fall, fall!' I thought. Or maybe one of those business majors would go on a shooting spree and I would get grazed by a bullet. They are a *very* twitchy bunch-- all that nicotine and caffiene. Or maybe a bullet would hit the know it all in that big feakin' mouth of his. But none of those things happened. I blinked a few times and started to answer his question, or tried to anyway.

Then Prof. Jochim asked me a question that went something like "How did Malinowski's approach towards religion lead to a different frame of interpretation regarding world religions?" After a brief coughing fit, that wasn't planned for a distraction, I cobbled together somthing about marriage rituals, kinship ties, and the importance of the mother over the father. I became aware of the words only as they left my mouth.

At the end of the longest 25 minutes of my entire life, Prof. Jochim thanked me for a job well done and I went back to my seat. During the review for the upcoming midterm I engaged in a contest with Mr. Know it all. We kept raining our hands at the same time to answer the teachers questions, but I'm just a little faster than he is. Two can play at this game.

I came home, slept for two hours, and then went back to school for Ancient Near East Class.

I'm so tired. I can't wait to go to sleep tonight.

Hope all of my loyal readers are well tonight.

~Born to Blossom, Bloom to Perish, Tragic

PS. UPDATE concerning Gwen's Dance album from Greenerpastures.net

From ign.com, here is the tracklisting for Love Angel Music Baby:

1. What You Waiting For: Produced by Nellee Hooper; Co-written with Linda Perry

2. Rich Girl: featuring EveProduced by Dr Dre

3. Hollaback Girl: Co-written and produced by The Neptunes

4. Cool: Co-written and produced by Dallas Austin

5. Bubble Pop Electric :Co-written and produced by Andre 3000 (Johnny Vulture)

6. Luxurious: Co-produced by Nellee Hooper and Tony Kanal; Co-written with Tony Kanal

7. Harajuku Girls: Co-written and produced by Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis

8. Crash: co written and produced by Tony Kanal

9. Real Thing: Co-written with Linda Perry; Intro performed by Wendy and Lisa from Prince's old band; Bass performed by Peter Hook from New Order; Backing Vocals from Bernard Sumner of New Order

10. Serious: Co-written and produced by Tony Kanal

11. Danger Zone: Produced by Nellee Hooper and Dallas Austin; Co-written with Linda Perry and Dallas Austin

12. Long Way To Go: Co-written and performed by Andre 3000

<3 color="#3366ff">taken from the star magazine website

GWEN STEFANI SHOCKED GAVIN'S GOT A LOVE CHILD!Gwen Stefani's world has been turned upside down with the news that her husband, rocker Gavin Rossdale, 36, who Gwen, 35, married two years ago and who she's been with for eight years, is the father of a 16-year-old British model, Daisy Lowe. Neither Gwen -- who is said to be "devastated" and "ballistic" over the news -- nor Gavin had any idea that he had fathered a child with his former lover and longtime friend Pearl Lowe, 33, until a DNA test revealed the shocking results just two weeks ago. Gavin and Pearl originally became involved in their late teens, when both were aspiring singers in London. When Pearl got pregnant at the age of 17, she assumed the father of her baby was an Egyptian man whom she was also dating at the time. Though she and Gavin had been intimate, according to a source close to Pearl, the two eventually "decided they were better off as friends." After the birth of Pearl's baby, Gavin was named godfather to the little girl, named Daisy. "He thought Daisy was absolutely gorgeous," says a source. "He was besotted with her." Meanwhile, Pearl found love with Danny Coffey, now 30, a drummer for the British band Supergrass, with whom she went on to have two more children. She and Gavin remained friends as his success with the band Bush grew. When Gavin left the U.K. for America with Bush, he kept in touch with Pearl and his goddaughter. "Pearl was so happy for him when his band took off," says the source. But once Gavin met Gwen in 1996, his friendship with Pearl cooled. Gwen had always been concerned about Gavin and Pearl's relationship. "Gwen has been a little jealous of Pearl," says the source. She told Gavin to stay away from her. GAVIN'S DILEMMA Two years ago, when Gwen, 35, and Gavin finally wed after a six-year courtship, those close to the couple began to notice a resemblance between Daisy -- now a teenager who models -- and Gavin. Daisy was featured in the October issue of British Vogue. Gwen even inquired about their uncanny resemblance. "Gwen asked Gavin outright if he was [Daisy's father]," says the source. "He swore blind he had never had sex with Pearl." Actually, Gavin never admitted to Gwen that he'd had a romantic relationship with Pearl, but when Pearl recently insisted that Gavin take a DNA test to clarify Daisy's parentage before the girl turned 16, he complied. "Gwen trusted Gavin," says the source. "But the results proved he was the dad." Daisy is said to be thrilled at the news of her father's identity, and though Gavin released a statement confirming he is Daisy's dad, he is apparently freaked out by the news. "His marriage is strained because Gwen was caught by surprise," says the source. Gavin was linked to a string of women during his six-year courtship with Stefani -- including Courtney Love, Andrea Corr of the Irish pop group The Corrs, and British singer Nicole Appleton -- perhaps inspiring Gwen to write the No Doubt song, 2001's "Detective,"on which she sings: "I've caught you, your hands are red/ Now I'm your brokenhearted detective." Hmm, looks like life is imitating art. -- JOHN BELL

P.P.P.S lyrics to Detective from Rock Steady

Detective
(G. Stefani, T. Kanal, T. Dumont)
My back it hurts again
It aches like history
Cottonmouth and all lit up
You're smiling back at me
But I feel you must have failed me
Once again you've let me down
My confidence below my knees now
I need to find you out

Peek in sneak about
I'm gonna snoop and call you out I caught you, your hands are red
Now I'm your broken hearted detective

Hey lover why the gun?
Hold on I'm almost there
It's too late, you killed the trust
Don't act so unaware
So why are you so destructive?
Do you realize what you've done?
You can't bring it back to life now
What are you running from?

Peek in sneak about
I'm gonna snoop and call you out I caught you, your hands are red
Now I'm your broken hearted detective I don't like the way I feel
I just want you to be real

Hey girl save the liar
Can't you see his pants on fire?
Hey girl save the liar
Can't you see his pants on fire?
I'm rummaging through your closet
Imagining all the worst thoughts
Peek in sneak about
I'm gonna snoop and call you out
I caught you, your hands are red
Now I'm your broken hearted detective

Books For Soldiers

Here's another reminder from yours truly. There's this really cool website out there called "Books For Soldiers." You can check it out and send cool stuff to someone in Iraq or Afghanistan.

Think about it-- the holidays are coming up!! It's too late to do anything cool for Halloween, but Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Hanukkah, are on the way. You could even send blank holiday cards to someone in the service so they can send the cards back to the states.

Another good one is "Soldier's Angels," you can actually adopt someone and send them mail and care packages. You can even specify branch of service. ~Tragic

I tried to feed the hunger of an empty grave.

"Nobody like you"
Echobelly
(On, [1995, Rhythm Records])

Inside it harbours,
Desire bruises my skin,
So near I'm hungry,
I'd like to have more,
In control,
I've lost it,
l'd like to try it again,
It warms inside me,
We're moving one step closer each time.

There's nobody like you,
Nobody like you,
Nobody like you,
Nobody like you anyway,
oh anyway,
There's nobody like you,
Nobody like you,
Nobody can touch you,
Nobody like you anyway oh anyway,
Everyone knows.

We fall, slow motion,
I taste your breath in my veins,
Like waves, vibrations,
It's coming up again,
Let me climb inside you,
Caress your fever tongue,
Spread my wings around you,
And we can slide.

There's nobody like you,
Nobody like you,
Nobody like you,
Nobody like you anyway,
oh anyway,
There's nobody like you,
Nobody like you,
Nobody can touch you,
Nobody like you anyway oh anyway,
Everyone knows.

I've always craved,
I tried to feed the hunger of an empty grave,
You've shown me secrets I've not forgotten,
l'll give you all the love that I take,
That I take.

Inside it harbours,
Desire bruises my skin,
So near I'm hungry,
We're moving one step closer each time.

There's nobody like you,
Nobody like you,
Nobody like you,
Nobody like you anyway,
oh anyway,
There's nobody like you,
Nobody like you,
Nobody can touch you,
Nobody like you anyway oh anyway.
There's nobody like you,
Can you can you can oh oh oh,
There's nobody like you,
Can you can you can oh oh oh,
There's nobody like you,
Can you can you can oh oh oh.

Just a quick post tonight since I've got two map midterms tomorrow. Argh, maps.

When I was in high school, Echobelly was my favourite band. I found about them through my cousin who worked at Tower Records. He's seven years older than me, and in high school, nothing couldn't convince me that he wasn't the coolest guy ever. He has a mohawk and wore leather and chains-- his fellow employees called him Mad Max. And I wanted to be just like him when I grew up. (You know, except for the whole being a guy part.) His girlfriend was really into a band from Britain. Consequently, Echobelly was the only music he listened to that wasn't a metal band.

Already being somewhat of an outcast at my own high school I adopted his complete catalogue of music as my own. I couldn't have cared less about Boyz II Men, Wu Tang Clan, Celine Dion, or the Spice Girls. There was no way I would ever fit in with the popular crowd anyway, so why bother listening to their music?

When I got my driver's license I had to beg for six months to get a tape player for my car. ('Stupid American radio stations', I'd think. 'They never play Echobelly!') I finally convinced my dad that I stood a better chance of not crashing my car while messing with the radio because I'd be listening to my own mix tapes on the stereo.

Echobelly never made it big here. I believe they toured back in 1995, but it's not like I could go to the clubs in San Francisco and see them. One of their songs was on the "Dumb and Dumber" soundtrack, and that was pretty much it for their chance at the American market.

Sonya Aurora Madan has such a beautiful voice. In my opinion, there was never a band who deserved stardom more than Echobelly, and never got it. (sigh)

My ribs still really hurt but I've decided just to lie about it to my friends. I'll just tell them I'm fine. A part of me thinks that I should be able to be tough and cope with this. It's not like I'm ever going to get any help from Shmizer.

So, yeah-- it's really hurts when I breathe. But I'm just going to keep it a secret.

I get hungry from time to time, but when I actually try to eat, it's like my appetite disappears. Time will tell, I guess.

Born to Blossom, Bloom to Perish
<3 Tragic

Born to Blossom, Bloom to Perish

Where did I leave off? I missed all my classes on Monday because I was too sick. I typed up my paper on Confucius and was actually planning on going to class on Tuesday.

Monday night was a night of misery. I hadn't remembered to take my cough medicine until I went to bed at 1AM. The cough medicine I've been taking before bed is called phenergan, if you must know. It's from a few years ago but I think it's still okay.

Anyway, all I did was toss and turn (fever), cough, rattle and hurt. In my whole life I don't think I've coughed as hard as I did on Monday night. All the tylenol finally got my fever down to 100 degrees. Even though I only slept for 15 minutes (no exaggeration) it felt like a nightmare. The one thing that sucks about college is that due dates are concrete. The cooler professors will let you turn in a paper late for a small penalty (10% deduction). Others are more hard core and won't accept a paper given to them half way through class. (So, for example, if class starts at 8am and you get there late and turn in your paper at 8:30 they will say no.)

Tuesday morning was the first time I left the house since Friday. As I shuffled out of the house at 8:15am my eyes instantly burned. I felt like poor little Smeagol peering up at the sun. 'It burns us, It burns us!' Although I do not remember the drive to school, I have a very vague memory of my professor telling me I looked very pale and yes, it was okay if I just went straight home after turning in my paper. I slept for at least four hours when I got home.

Tuesday night I had just enough energy in me to type up my thesis and outline for writing workshop. I hate outlines. Always have and always will. In pathophysiology we had to do these long, complicated outlines. Our instructor was completely daft- each one of these 10 page outlines was worth 0.25 points. I remembered to take my phenergan, so-- I actually slept. Alot.

Wednesday I actually went to all my classes. I picked a topic for my speech on October 18th and signed up (talk about waiting til the last minute.) In Ancient Near East, Dr. Roth passed back the midterms. I started to scrunch down in my desk, dreading the moment when he called my name and gave me back my test. As he handed me my blue book I cringed.

I don't know if I mentioned this midterm last week. It was worth 200 points: fill in the blank, definition, short answer, map, and essay. (The essay was worth 100pts, the remaining 4 sections made up the other 100 points. I completely forgot about the map portion, so you can imagine my horror when I was flipping through the test booklet and saw that. The map didn't have any hints-- at all. Not even squiggly little lines for rivers. My biggest problem with these sorts of assignments is that it's hard for me to figure out what's ocean and land. It's just a bunch of black lines for the Near East and the Black Sea and the Mediterranean. Ack! I got an A+ on the essay, but I totally bombed the rest of it. Apparently, no one in any of his classes has managed to ace one section so completely, while the blowing the other half entirely. I'd prepared myself for an F but I managed to get a C.

My last class was cancelled so I just went home.

This morning my fever dropped to 99 degrees. Oh happy day! On my way past the bell tower on campus, this guy came up from behind me, tapped me on the shoulder, looked me right in the eye and said "You're running late, you don't want to be left behind." I'd stopped walking, while he delivered the second part of the sentence walking backwards looking at me. I'd never seen him before and I have no idea who he was.

I had two quizzes today. Alejandro was such a sweetie, he got all the handouts for me while I was sick. He's two years older than the rest of us and Phuong and I are convinced he's a genius. He could probably go to Harvard if his family had more money. It's not just with history. He took physics as an elective. For fun!! Anyway, I'd done the reading for the first quiz so there weren't too many surprises. Alejandro's cool though.

In our second class I tried to take notes and do my reading at the same time. We sit in the back, so I wasn't too worried about the professor seeing me. I was sitting there, reading about Church Reform in Russia in the seventeenth century thinking to myself that I was going to make it-- finish my reading. I'd already read the previous chapter in the parking garage. Alejandro got my attention by tapping on my desk. He shrugged at me and gestured at my book. "huh?" I asked. He reached over to my book and flipped ahead four chapters-- "the quiz today is on 18 & 19! Read about the French Revolution and the Industrial Revolution," he whispered.

Oh crap! I'd just read 15 and 16.

I think I did okay though.

I'm just so tired all the time. It sounds strange, I know, but it's almost as though I'm too tired to cough. Every muscle is just so tired it's like I'm physically incapable of coughing anymore. And when I do it's so hard to catch my breath. My sore throat has eased, which is nice. I can finally drink and eat again. The cough syrup and tylenol really do the trick. I wish I could take it during the day too.

Oh. The soonest appointment I could get was November 4th. "Live well and Thrive" my ass. What a crock.

I recorded the "Making of... What you Waiting For" on MTV last night. I absolutely love Gwennie's new video and wish I was her.

"Born to Blossom, Bloom to Perish."
<3 Tragic Tuyen

I'm so freakin' tired

One more tiny post. My fever is finally below the triple digits. Actually, it seems firmly planted between 99 and 100. All my other symptoms still apply though. I missed my classes today-- both of them. After about 12pm I woke up enought to start my paper for World History A, which is due tomorrow. It took about twice as long as it wold have had I been feeling 100%. I'll probably just turn my paper in and come home for the day. It would be so great if I could just come home and sleep-- but I've got 2 papers to write before Wednesday.

That's what I get for being unconscious with a 101 degree fever for most of the weekend. It's all about the tylenol, sudafed, benadryl, and cough syrup.

Quite frankly I feel too miserable to sleep. I'm watching "History's Blunders: The Titanic" on the history channel. Earlier I watched something about the Holocaust on PBS. Programmes about the Holocaust always make me cry.

Hope you are all doing better than me!

much <3 Tragic Tuyen

Sleep escapes me

Since Friday night I've been pretty much out of it. Last night I checked my temperature and it was 101, but tonight it's around 100. Plus, last night, my head really started to hurt, along with the back of my neck. So, when I do get up I have to be careful. I can only take a few steps at a tme and them I have to lean against the wall. I can only describe it as a realy awful throbbing feeling that makes me dizzy.

I missed the football game. I just stayed home and went in and out of consciousness watching "The Nightmare Before Christmas".

My throat is still hurting. It's so bad that I haven't been eating or drinking a whole lot since Friday night. Even nice cool water burns my throat. Tonight should be interesting. Hopefully I won't spend as much time tossing and turning-- or waking up because I'm hot or cold-- or because I'm coughing. (sigh) This sucks. I can't help but wonder if this is what the rest of my life will be like.

much <3 Tragic Tuyen

Here we go again.

Hello all. I'm not really feeling up to doing a big post. For most of today I was feeling about the same as I have been. Around 8pm, though, I started to feel worse. Now I've got a sore throat and a fever of 100 degrees. I can't decide whether I'm hot or cold. Missed out on seeing that new movie "The Forgotten"-- that one Julianne Moore is in. Lisa can't handle scary movies-- so Phuong and I usually go together.

Tomorrow is the co-ed football game. I was just going to go and watch. Phuong has been planning this for almost 2 months, so I feel like I have to go, even if it means I'm shivering because of my fever.

Born to Lose, Tragic Tuyen

PS. I hope you guys are doing better than me.

Breakfast of Champions

First things first. This is the THIRD time I've typed up this friggin post. F***ing blogger.com

I still stand by my statement that this has been the longest week ever. The fact that I keep re-typing this post is only reinforcing that opinion. Anyway, by Monday night I was already exhausted.

Monday I was too exhausted to even make it to my morning class-- the Study of Religion. I stayed in bed and slept, making Monday the fourth time I've missed my religion class. (I know, I know. Bad tragic) My second class of the day is Ancient Near East, which runs from 1:30 to 2:45. I actually got to the class a little early, and sat against the brick wall. The cold emanating from it feels nice on my sore side and back. After about 15 minutes Phuong came creeping down the hall with her cell phone to her ear. She hung up by the time she got to my comfy spot against the wall. I had finally remembered to bring her "Third Watch" tape with the season premiere on it. Phuong slid down the wall next to me and offered me a piece of gum. "Are you feeling any better? You don't look like you're feeling well at all! I can see it in your eyes." She managed to wrangle a promise out of me that I would return to the doctor. The kids from Military History began streaming out of DMH 165 and we both stood up. "You promised!" She said as she made her way to her sociology class. After class was over, we talked about possible plans for the weekend. Alejandro is in four of my classes this semester and Ancient Near East is one of them. Right in front of Alejandro Phuong says "You should call those fuckers at Schmiser and tell them you're going to sue unless they help you!"

Alejandro turns and looks at me and asks "What, for your cough? What's it been, like two weeks?"

"Two weeks, try two months!" Phuong shook her head in disgust. She continued "Walk her to her car-- and make sure she doesn't pass out!" (groan) How embarrasing, I think to myself. Alejandro is the oldest in our group of friends and seems to have taken the role of big brother. When we go to Cafe Pomegrante, which is right across from the History building (Dudley Morehead Hall, or DMH for short.) he always treats me, which is pretty nice of him considering that I'm not his girl friend or relative. He's just old fashioned like that, which is really nice. (But, also, I don't want him to think I'm taking advantage of him. So I always always *try* to pay, even though he tells me my money is no good.) Alejandro was in my Historiography class last Spring. After hearing that I was being hassled by this homeless dude who hung out on campus, he started walking me clear across campus to my car, even though his bus stop was in the complete opposite direction. He's a sweetie.

Anyway, Alejandro walked me to my car and off I went. As soon as I got home, I went outside to check my mail box-- to see if I got anything cool. (All I got was a bill for my CAT scan last month.) After watching a little TV, I was taking a laundry basket out to the the washer. There are only three steps in the house, so I guess it figures that if I was going to get dizzy and lose my balance, it would be there. So uh, yeah. I think I sprained my left wrist. I collected all my laundry with my good hand and tossed various articles into the washer.

The rest of the day and night was spent finishing writing my speech about Confucius (K'ung Fu Tzu). Also, each student had to prepare a handout to pass out to the entire class. My handout ended up being 6 pages, but it was very thorough and I felt good about it. I used all different colors of paper-- so I had pink packets, green packets, and yellow packets. Because white is sooooo boring. I got to bed at about midnight.

Tuesday morning came early. I woke up a little early because I was a little nervous about my speech and also wanted to go to the library and check out some books to use as visual aids. After spending half my coins, I had exactly 60 cents. I was standing in Novel Cafe, jealously eyeing all the food and drinks that I couldn't afford. After studying the menu in line I found one thing I could buy. A small cake donut with rainbow sprinkles on top. When I got up to the register though, the dude gave the BIG donut, the $1 donut even though I was 40 cents short.

After about half an hour of lecture it was my turn to do my speech. I wasn't too nervous at this point, I've almost earned my minor in Eastern Religions, so I felt like I knew my stuff pretty well. One of the books I checked out was a comic book version of the sayings of Confucius, the other was The Analects. My speech went really well and I said all I wanted to say. The only problem is that I kept coughing after almost every sentence. ("Sorry guys. I've got kind've a cold, so you'll have to bare with me.") After I was done, the professor told the whole class "You're going to want to hang on to this because it will be very helpful for the midterm." I'd almost forgotten what academic success felt like after all those freakin' nursing classes.

My mom and I were supposed to have lunch Tuesday afternoon, but she ditched me at the last minute. So I came home and had peanut butter sandwichs made out of ritz crackers. Spent the rest of the day reading for my Africa to 1800 class.

Africa class is packed. I don't think Professor Kline even accepted any adds. You've got to get to class early to get a desk, otherwise you end up on the floor. (Just like high school.)

Danh is my only real friend in Africa class. The other person I sort of know is Carl. He misses alot of classes. He's a paramedic up in EPA (East Palo Alto) which was the murder capital of the States back in the early 90's. I guess he's got a better excuse than the rest of us. "Oh sorry I couldn't make it to class-- some guy was bleeding to death in the back of my ambulance." I bet that's just what he says too.

During our snack break, class runs from 6pm to 8:45pm, Danh and I went to the library to make copies of something Phuong had given me. As we were leaving the copy area, I lifted my backpack when Danh says "Hey, you should probably let me carry that." 'what?' "No, that's okay man, I've got it." I tried to reassure. "But, but you're hurt and sick!" he said as he gestured for me to give him my backpack. I know he's just trying to be nice, but I don't want to be *that* kind of girl. Some weak thing that people pity. Besides, there's this last shred of dignity that I'm desperately clinging to.

On the escalator I announced that I was going to go to a Novel CAfe and get some hot chocolate and Danh followed me. When we were in line, this guy on my right side slapped my hip and said really, really loudly "DAMN BABY, You are turning me ON!" Everyone just sort of stopped and turned to look. He was gesturing to my newest accessory, a pair of handcuufs that hang from my chain belt. Danh looked at me as if to ask "who the hell is this guy?' This guy was also a history major. I knew him from History of the Vietnam War, which we both took in Fall of 2003. When out turn at the counter came, I dug out my wallet and ordered my hot chocolate but Danh said "Don't worry about it, I got it." "Are you positive?" I queried. "No problem". The three of us made awkward conversation until our orders came up. On the way back to class, Danh lit another cigarette and tried to avoid blowing smoke my way. By the time we got to class, the movie about christianity in Ethipoia had already started. We sat in different parts of the class and when I got back to my seat, some guy was sitting it it. So I had to sit on the floor for 45 minutes.

Tuesday night, when I was writing my prospectus and bibliography for my writing workshop class, the computer decided to freeze on me. I was trying to open a file on a disc when it happened. *crap* I couldn't even open it-- had to do it all over again. I didn't get to bed until 2am.

Wednesday morning was awful. I felt like I hadn't even gotten any sleep. My alarm clock went off for probably 10 minutes before I realised it. I remember having this dream where I was on a space craft that was going down-- crashing into a moon and the proximity alerts were going off. (What do you want from me, I already confessed to being a sci fi geek.) Then it dawned on me that it was my alarm clocking buzzing at me. Even though I wanted to go back to sleep, I figured I couldn't miss Religion class again. So off I shuffled, to a lecture on the Durkheimian approach to the sociological study of religion. Staying awake was a challenge. After class I sped back home because I needed to finish my prospectus and bibliography. Even though Imissed the first twenty minutes of my Ancient Near East class, I got my work done. I did miss the beginning of the lecture about Egypt though, which kinda sucked.

All we did in 100W class was turn in our work and decide not to meet until October 13th. Dammit! That's when MTV is airing the "Making of the Video" for Gwen Stefani's What You Waiting For. Why does everything always happen at once?

Both Lisa and Phuong have a 6pm class on Wednesday, but lucky me does not. Phuong wanted fries and Lisa wanted a shake, so we went to Peggy Sue's in San Pedro Square, right next to the Old Spaghetti Factory. As the name would suggest, Peggy Sue's is one of those '50's diners, but with a twist. It's also a hockey bar-- all the Sharks fans go there after the game, sometimes a Shark does too. But because of the hockey strike, we were the only people in there. I ordered a grilled cheese, Phuong ordered a California Club, and Lisa got, Bingo you guessed right, a grilled tuna salad sandwich. After we orderes Lisa looked at me after taking a swig of vanilla shake, "I just love how like, every two weeks you're dead!" Phuong flipped on her phone and left a message for Lon.

Apparently, while Danh and I had gone to the library, Lon went to our class to check up on me. When I wasn't there, he called Phuong and left some freaked out message. He's really more her friend then mine. Anyway, my cell was off that night and when she couldn't get a hold of me, she imagined the worst. Me in a hospital bed. Rumors started to swirl through the depeartment Wednesday morning. So, apparently I've cheated death!

Also, Phuong was invited by her crush of 2 years to go to a sports bar after class. She was all proud "Can you believe it! He gave ME his phone number!"

All I wanted to do Wednesday night was sleep, but alas, I had two quizzes to study for. Even though I'm so tired most of the time, sleeping isn't as easy as it used to be, with all the coughing. Sometimes when I cough or breathe out, I can hear this rattling sound. It sucks. I've still got my left wrist wrapped up too. This kind of crap isn't supposed to happen until a person is in her 80s. Thursday morning the vending machine wouldn't accept my coins. So I ate-- absolutely nothing. The Breakfast of Champions.

When did this happen? When did I become this sick weak girl with circles under her eyes? When did I become a pitiable creature?

Oh well.

Before I go, does anyone remember that show "Space: Above and Beyond"? It was on in '95 and '96 I think. Last night I dug out my tape and started re-watching it while I typed this post the first time. I was so pissed off at Fox when the cancelled that show.
http://www.cyberpursuits.comheckifIknow/saab/default.asp.

The Fox Network: Where Good Shows Go To Die.

FARSCAPE UPDATE: The "Peacekeeper Wars" is scheduled to heir on October 17th on the SCi Fi channel. Also, the sci fi network is supposed to begin heiring nightly re-reruns soon. Check your TV Guide.
http://www.scifi.com/farscape/

GWEN STEFANI UPDATE: According to Billboard.com and Gwen Stefani's own site, the forthcoming dance album will be called "Love, Angel, Music, Baby."

Born to Blossom, Bloom to Perish
<3 Tragic Tuyen